Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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