Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I love you. Go after that dick
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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