It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This couple is walking their pig around campus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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