The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
