I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
