I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
