I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Randomize
