someone get that fucking seahorse.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
