my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
