i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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