I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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