Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're like the curious george of whores
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
