Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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