My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
