Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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