i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
