the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
