He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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