So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
