I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
