if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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