I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
