so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
