I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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