apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
