But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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