Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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