how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
