You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
