i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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