Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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