apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
