another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
you're hired as official boob wrangler
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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