I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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