You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
