so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
