You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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