Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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