I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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