grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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