That's when you crack a 10am beer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
