I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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