Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
