If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
