he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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