I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
