I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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