Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
