YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You made out with two different species that night
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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