From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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