You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
