that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
