I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my being single is dangerous.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
